The Money Marriage Dilemma: Joint or Separate Accounts?
As someone who’s spent countless hours talking with couples about their finances, I’ve seen firsthand how money can either strengthen or strain a marriage. The age-old question remains: should married couples put their money together or keep things separate? It’s 2025, and the answer isn’t as straightforward as it once was.
Young couples today are approaching marriage differently than their parents did. Many are tying the knot later in life, after establishing careers and building up their own savings. This shift has led to more couples keeping their finances separate – but is this actually a good move?
Let’s dive into this complex topic and explore different perspectives from financial experts real-world research and practical approaches that real couples use.
The Case for Joint Finances: Building Trust Through Transparency
A lot of financial experts, including Dave Ramsey’s team, strongly recommend combining all of your finances into one. According to Ramsey Solutions, “Marriage is a partnership. It’s no longer ‘his and her money. ‘ The officiant said, ‘Two become one. You should not split the bills and the money. This will only cause more problems with money and your relationship in the future. “.
The reasoning behind this advice is solid:
- Increased transparency: Joint accounts make it nearly impossible to hide spending habits or debt
- Unified goals: When you’re working from one pot of money, you’re forced to get on the same page about financial priorities
- Simplified finances: Managing one set of accounts is generally easier than juggling multiple accounts
Research seems to support this approach. NPR talked about a big study from 2023 that found “couples who put all their money into one pot tended to be happier.” They stayed together longer than couples who split some or all of their money. “.
Financial therapist Lindsay Bryan-Podvin explains why “It decreases the likelihood of financial infidelity One of the biggest issues couples argue about is the financial secrets that can happen when we have completely separate accounts”
The Argument for Separate Finances: Protection and Independence
Despite the benefits of joint accounts, many financial advisors are now recognizing situations where keeping finances partially or completely separate makes sense.
Jesica Ray, a certified divorce financial analyst at Brighton Jones, takes a different approach than the traditional “combine everything” advice. She suggests: “Start out separate. Have a joint account for joint expenses, and then have your own. Drive some money into the joint account, and then the rest into personal.”
Her reasoning includes:
- Protection: Separate accounts can offer protection in case of divorce, creditors, or qualifying for government programs
- Independence: Particularly for women and those who marry later in life, maintaining separate finances can be an important part of their identity
- Empowerment: As Ray notes, “We’re shifting toward a world where it’s more common and comfortable to not join finances, and that’s okay. Divorce is one of those reasons, but self-empowerment is another as women create their own wealth.”
The “Yours, Mine, and Ours” Middle Ground
If you’re feeling torn between fully joint or separate accounts, there’s a popular middle ground that many financial experts now recommend. The financial community calls this approach “yours, mine, and ours” – where couples maintain a joint account for shared expenses while keeping individual accounts for personal spending.
Jody D’Agostini, a certified financial planner at Equitable Advisors, typically advises this approach. She explains that there are specific assets that should never be commingled:
- Inheritances: “The intent from the person granting it to you is to pass it to you for your benefit, not for your spouse,” says D’Agostini.
- Premarital assets: Keeping these separate can simplify things if a divorce occurs later.
- Financial gifts from family: Similar to inheritances, these are intended for one spouse.
Bryan-Podvin says, “None of us want to feel like our partner is controlling us, so having some financial independence is important.” This is why the “yours, mine, and ours” system can work so well. “.
When Separate Accounts Make the Most Sense
There are specific situations where maintaining separate finances is often the wisest choice:
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When people get married a second time and have kids, D’Agostini says, “You don’t want to make mistakes that could mean your estate goes to your spouse and then their kids.” Get your estate plan in place before you get married. “.
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History of financial abuse: Bryan-Podvin notes that “If you’ve experienced financial abuse or have seen someone steal someone else’s credit or identity, you might have very strong feelings about having to share your money with other people.”
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Recent divorce: To avoid mixing assets that might be involved in ongoing court proceedings, separate accounts may provide needed financial protection.
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Significant debt disparities: When one partner brings substantial debt into the relationship, separate accounts might help manage this challenge more effectively.
Beyond 50/50: The Reality of Financial Sharing
One myth I wanna dispel is the idea of perfect 50/50 splits in relationships. As Bryan-Podvin wisely points out, “This idea of splitting everything 50-50 makes sense in theory, but we just don’t live in a theoretical world.”
Even when both partners earn similar incomes, other factors create inequality:
- Different student loan burdens
- Varying credit scores and histories
- Unequal distribution of household tasks
- Different emotional labor contributions
Bryan-Podvin suggests thinking about a couple’s finances as “a big old soup. Everything goes into the pot and it all blends up together, and it’s really hard to know who gave what.”
7 Tips for Managing Money Together (Regardless of Your Approach)
Whatever approach you choose, these strategies will help strengthen your financial relationship:
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Have regular, open conversations about money
Beyond just numbers, discuss your money beliefs, goals and fears. “We’re deepening our connection. We’re dreaming ahead together and creating a plan,” explains Bryan-Podvin. -
Recognize personality differences
As Ramsey Solutions points out, opposites often attract. One of you might be a saver (the “nerd”) while the other is a spender (the “free spirit”). These differences can be strengths when both spouses participate in financial decisions. -
Don’t let income differences create power imbalances
The partner earning more shouldn’t have more say in financial decisions. You’re a team, regardless of who brings home a bigger paycheck. -
Keep purchases out in the open
Secret spending can be a form of infidelity. Be transparent about purchases and avoid hidden accounts or debt. -
Set realistic expectations together
Don’t let societal pressures dictate your timeline for major purchases like homes. Create expectations that match your actual financial situation. -
Agree on how to handle children’s expenses
Kids can become a major source of money arguments if you don’t agree on spending priorities for them. -
Be willing to experiment and adjust
Bryan-Podvin recommends trying an approach for a few months, then reassessing: “None of this is set in stone. You’re figuring out how to merge your finances with someone else, which is already a challenging skill for an independent adult.”
How to Start the Money Conversation
If you haven’t had serious money talks with your partner yet, here are some questions to get started:
- What were you taught about money growing up?
- What financial achievements are you proud of?
- What financial habits do you wish you could improve?
- What are your biggest money fears?
- What financial goals are most important to you?
These questions will help you understand your partner’s relationship with money beyond just the numbers.
My Take: What Really Matters
After reviewing expert opinions and research, I believe there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. What matters most isn’t whether your accounts are joint or separate, but that you:
- Communicate openly and honestly about money
- Make major financial decisions together
- Respect each other’s financial concerns and priorities
- Create systems that build trust rather than suspicion
The best financial arrangement is one that works for YOUR relationship – taking into account your unique history, goals, and dynamics.
Whether you choose joint accounts, separate finances, or something in between, remember that marriage is a partnership. The goal isn’t perfect financial equality but creating a system where both partners feel secure, respected, and working toward shared goals.
What approach does your marriage take? Have you found a system that works particularly well? I’d love to hear your experiences in the comments!
Final Thoughts
Money may be the number one issue married couples fight about, but it doesn’t have to be that way for you. With intentional communication, mutual respect, and systems that work for both partners, your finances can strengthen rather than strain your marriage.
Just remember – no financial system is permanent. As your marriage evolves, your financial approach can (and should) evolve too. The willingness to adapt and grow together is ultimately more important than the specific bank accounts you choose to maintain.
Or, how the soul mate relationship paradigm encourages unhappy choices
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A while back, I happened upon a piece in The Atlantic that posed an interesting question: Should couples merge their finances? The piece cites a bunch of evidence and quotes different financial advisors, but ultimately concludes that the best option is “sharing some money and keeping some money separate.”
Whether that’s actually the best option or not, it is what most people appear to be doing; data published last year by CreditCards.com showed that 57% of Americans keep at least some of their accounts separate. Nearly a quarter of Americans, or 23%, maintain entirely separate finances from their romantic partners.
This raises a couple of questions. The first question is whether or not keeping separate bank accounts is really the best thing for couples. The second question is why so many people now choose to do this.
The first question is easy to answer: The research suggests that combining finances is better for couples. For example, a 2022 paper found that couples who pool all of their money have greater relationship satisfaction than those who keep either all or some of their resources separate. Couples with combined finances are also more likely to stay together, the paper notes. And critically, the researchers behind the paper found that these effects aren’t simply the result of happier couples choosing to merge their finances. Instead, it’s just the opposite: merging finances actually influenced relationships for the better.
Other research has found that merging finances pushes couples to spend money more responsibly, and that married couples have a huge wealth advantage over couples who simply live together without tying the knot.
The takeaway from these various findings is that despite the apparent growing popularity of keeping separate bank accounts, there are numerous quantifiable benefits to combining finances. The Atlantic’s conclusion — which I see echoed constantly on social media and in real life — was wrong.
This made me grateful that my wife and I merged our finances when we got married — which we did not because we knew anything about the research on the topic but rather because we simply didn’t have any money at the time.
But what about the second question? Based on the research, why are people making decisions that make it less likely for them to have happy, long-lasting relationships? Why aren’t they choosing happiness?
There are plenty of possible explanations. The median age for both men and women to get married is now higher than at almost any point since at least the late 1890s. That suggests more Americans today see marriage as a “capstone” event in adulthood, which to quote the Institute for Family Studies is the idea that getting hitched is something you do down the road when you finally have “all your ducks in a row.” This contrasts with an older idea of marriage as a “cornerstone” or gateway into adulthood. And the result is that many people have established careers and spending habits by the time they get married — all of which likely gives couples greater incentive to keep their money separate.
That 2022 paper I cited above also notes that some people may keep separate accounts for ideological reasons; a feminist approach, for example, would see women keep their money separate in order to maintain autonomy.
The list of explanations could go on. But my theory is that underneath all of the other reasons, there’s something deeper: The “soul mate paradigm,” which is the dominant way of thinking about relationships in the West, and which posits that relationships should be based on emotional ties rather than practical ones.
I’ve written many times before about the soul mate paradigm, but to refresh this is a concept I took from historian Stephanie Coontz and her book Marriage, a History. The gist is that for centuries, marriage was seen as a practical partnership. You might fall in love, but that wasn’t a prerequisite. Instead, couples were “work mates. ” Over time that changed, and by the mid 1800s we had transitioned to a different view of marriage in which partners were supposed to be “soul mates. ” Marriage became less about working toward a common goal — furthering the family line, working the farm, etc. — and more about emotional fulfilment.
This transition happened along side, and was influenced by, the cultural changes described by a concept known as WEIRD psychology — which is basically a way to understand how the western world became highly and uniquely individualistic.
The result of all of this history — which spans hundreds of years — is that today many of us Westerners lean into a relationship framework that prioritizes the individual over the family unit, and which defines that family unit in purely emotional terms. And I think that largely explains why people are increasingly likely to keep separate bank accounts.
Put another way, if your partner is your soul mate, why would you combine bank accounts? There’s no reason to do so. It’d be like becoming emotionally entangled with a coworker; you don’t want to become financially entangled with a romantic partner.
So to answer the question posed in the headline, I suspect many couples don’t want to merge their bank accounts because the way we think of relationships implies that it’s not necessary, or even that it’s not desirable.
I will at this point add my usual caveat, which is that I don’t really care what anyone does individually. Keep your accounts separate. Merge them. Whatever. It’s not going to impact my life.
But it’s interesting to me that when it comes to finances people are increasingly doing the opposite of what is likely to produce happy relationships, and that the way we think about relationships encourages this behavior.
It follows, then, that achieving happier relationships isn’t just about making different behavioral decisions. It’s also about reframing the way we think about relationships in the first place. Its a mindset shift as much as anything else. And ultimately, that shift probably requires thinking less individually and being open about the fact that successful relationships require more than just emotional connections if they’re going to thrive.
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What Is The Process For Combining Finances After You Get Married?
FAQ
Do married couples put their money together?
Most wedded couples share at least some financial accounts – 77%, according to Bankrate. Of them, 43% combine all their accounts, keeping nothing separate.
What is a financial red flag in a relationship?
Overspending and not sticking to a budget: If your partner often spends more than they earn or has trouble sticking to a budget, it could be a big problem if you want to start a life together. Spending recklessly without saving can lead to debt, poor credit, and a lack of financial security.
Should you put your money together as a couple?
The first question is easy to answer: The research suggests that combining finances is better for couples. For example, a 2022 paper found that couples who pool all of their money have greater relationship satisfaction than those who keep either all or some of their resources separate1.
How should money be split in a marriage?
Married couples split finances using various methods, including a 50/50 split for shared expenses, proportional splitting based on income, or a combined account system.